The world is essentially divided into 2 types of people: those that tip and those that are cheap oxygen wasting mouth breathers.
This is the type of person that a corpulent childhood friend named Albert would have described as “School in the summer time... No class.”
You know who you are. And so do we. We notice you, and we still smile because it’s our job. But on the inside we’re doing unspeakable things to you... and that’s why I’M smiling.
When I moved here from West Michigan, I thought I had left a city plagued by the cheapest lousiest people on earth.
Not so.
Bearing their lanyards as a badge of distinction (as if I’m impressed), sauntering up to the counter while talking on the cell phone (hands-free blue tooth sci-fi ear piece, of course, you neophyte) and browsing a menu they’ve looked at a thousand times before. The vacant open mouth stare I know so well. Then they order the same thing they always do.
“Uuuuuuuummmmm... hum... well I’d like- No we can’t have that report by Monday- Grande 3 shot extra hot decaf half organic, half soy sugar-free hazelnut mocha...oh yeah with extra whip.”
Paying with a $20, they absently pocket all of the change, using the phone call as a dodge and avoiding all eye contact, as if we don’t notice. I would probably shove this silly drink up your ass if the first pennies you’d ever made weren’t already taking up all of the anal real estate under your khaki’s.
The other big tip dodge is the credit card and gift card. If you are paying with a card, you still look like a cheap asshole for not tipping on your Venti 5 shot double blended light ice extra caramel Crappuccino.
That ringing you hear is the clue phone...pick up!
Another non-tipping favorite is the guy who orders a small coffee in a large cup. When you come back for that $.50 refill, you feel great don’t you? Do you think that you’ve put one over on us?
By the way, when you come in first thing in the morning with yesterday’s cup to get a refill...
Again we smile, but on the inside...
What you don’t seem to understand is that we keep you awake for your mind numbing shitty desk job. YOU NEED US. What else are you going to drink? The coffee in the office? I didn’t think so.
So, the next time that latte of yours isn’t doing its job, and your eyelids are drooping, think about whether you tipped or not. I could’ve absentmindedly hit the decaf button (which can happen...).
Comments
I would also like to see a spreadsheet of tips before the introduction of the coffee gift card and after. I was talking to a barista that has been there a long time, she said that tips dropped by 50% after it was introduced.
So the card is great for customers, and bad for emplotees. but that really doesn't matter for Corporate.
I don't drink much coffee so I don't run into this situation, but is there a tip jar? Or is there a line for tip on the receipt?
If there's one or both of those tip indicators and people leave no tip then that's just sad and annoying.
On the other hand, if there's no tip jar and there's no tip line on the receipt I think that's a different story. I pay with credit card almost 100% of the time. I rarely ever have any paper cash in my wallet. So if the receipt doesn't have a line for me to add extra tip onto the credit card what can I do?